Born in 1975, I spent my childhood in northern California. Before I turned three an automobile accident took my father’s life leaving my mother, twin brother and me to fend for ourselves. Looking back at the forces in my life I believe my father’s death took hold of me. I see myself become introspective and independent. I see myself searching for expressive outlets. I enjoyed the silent meditative space I found through drawing, creating collages and other exploratory endeavors.
As a teenager I battled my own queer sexual identity and suffered the torrent of emotions that come with this realization. I felt alone in the world and without a true connection to anything. My artwork became increasingly important to me. Ironically, though I was afraid that people around me would find out that I was gay, my artwork increasingly represented images of solitary figures aloof and in pain.
With time, I began to rebel against figurative representations. I found myself increasingly attracted to the bizarre and abstract. I began experimenting with free expression, covering walls with graffiti, explosions of color, construction and destruction. My work earned more emotion and intensity. Still, the process proved meditative and through it I found greater connection to myself – something that, sadly, many gay teens struggle to find.
I continued to explore my own creativity through visual expression and developed greater skills with color and technique. At eighteen I decided to leave Sacramento, my hometown. I was eager to experience life on my own. It would take me two years, but at twenty I packed my every belonging and moved myself to San Francisco.
I spent my first year experimenting in all kinds of ways. I bounced around from place to place until I found a flat above O’Farrell Street, a hot spot for prostitution and eccentric nightlife. From my room I could watch activity on the street. At times I sat with the working girl who attracted her clientele from our porch. My eyes were wide open to the world.
During those early days in San Francisco I gained increasing awareness of myself. Though I loved my life in the city, I still felt split. There was something missing. I was still searching for something true – something absolute – something concretely me. My artwork took a back seat during that time. I began to explore writing and poetry. What work I did put out continued to be stream-of-consciousness experimentation with intensity and mood. Often times I integrated my writings.
In early 1998, while finishing my undergraduate degree, I fell in love. We were passionately drawn to each other. However, he was graduating in May then departing San Francisco to realize a dream in Europe.
I followed him at first. We moved to London together later that year. Though we were together in London, ‘together’ was not the experience we needed as individuals. Though it was one of the most heartbreaking experiences of my life, I left him in London and moved alone to Barcelona.
Leaving the person I loved to once again be alone I turned again to my artwork. In that time Barcelona forced the greatest destruction I have yet to experience. Without knowing a soul I had to acquire the language and make a life for myself. Within days I had landed square on my feet and the months that passed left me with something permanent. I became more inspired than ever before in my life.
After months of living apart, my partner and I came together again. He met me in Barcelona and we started a life together. Before returning to San Francisco, we traveled from the Atlantic edge of the Iberian Peninsula to the edge of the Middle East in eastern Turkey.
Returning home I was excited to begin an art career. I became excited by the prospect of using the canvas in ways that I had not previously done. I had become open to connecting to life outside of my struggles. I began to see parallels between experience, belief and reality. I had learned that I have the awesome power of choice. I am deeply interested in conveying these personal foundations through my work. I hope that you, the participant, find some kind of connection to the work.